bad stuff

Eeek. I didn't realize it's been almost a month since I've posted over here. I blog twice a month over at www.hugs-and-chocolate.com. We've been going since February and I've actually managed not to miss a deadline. Over there, we talk about all the writerly things that I don't talk about on here. You should check it out.

Anyway. I'm doing NaNo right now. I could use that as an excuse for why I haven't posted this month, but it wouldn't be entirely true. There are some things going on in my life that are beyond myself and beyond my writing. I feel like I'm dancing on a glass floor and a single misstep is going to send my world crumbling. I know it's coming and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.

It's hard living a life full of worry. It ages you. It turns you bitter. I try not to worry, but I can see the toll it's taking because sometimes there's nothing left but worry. The saying, "don't worry, be happy" is ideal, but unrealistic. I'm sorry that I can't choose happiness when someone close to me is facing a medical prognosis that's... well, not good. I wish I could say I choose happiness, but no. I worry. Everyday and every night. Which is why at almost five in the morning I'm up typing this after tossing and turning for a few hours.

People tell you to think positive. It's kind of funny. When I was laid off, people told me to think positive. When we were losing our house, people told me to think positive. When we camped out in a one bedroom apartment with no plumbing or electricity, people told me to think positive. When we worked through the summer to get the place livable and had someone belittling us and making life more miserable than it already was... yeah, you guessed it, people told me to think positive. I don't begrudge them saying that to me, what are they supposed to say? It's easy and supposed to be comforting, but instead, it makes you feel as though it's somehow your fault these things happened because your thoughts weren't happy enough.

I know people mean well when they say it, but it still sucks.

Is this a depressing post? Yes. Yes, it is. Am I sorry? No. I don't deal well with this kind of stress. I like challenges, like getting published or playing a game. But there are some things that come along in life that no matter how much you fight, how much information you have - you can't beat it. I don't like to lose. I withdraw and want to cover my ears and not hear anymore bad news. But I can't. I'm an adult now. I have to be stronger for my son and my family. They need me to be strong. Sometimes I hate being an adult. I'm not ready for this, but then, is anyone?

This is my place to get my thoughts out there and try to make sense of the world around me. I truly hope your world and your reality are kind to you tonight.

When I first read "The Prisoner of Azkaban,"by J.K. Rowling, the dementors didn't seem so scary. Sure, they were highly unpleasant, but not terrifying. The thought of just being near one and having it suck out the happiness and hope until nothing was left but an empty shell was too remote of an idea and I didn't fully get the impact.

Now, I do. I understand on a level which I'd never wish on anyone. I recently read where Rowling based the idea of dementors on her experience with depression. Not sadness or the occasional unhappiness, but the deep hopelessness of seeing nothing of beauty or worth in life. Here's a quote from her.

“Yes. That is exactly what they are. It was entirely conscious. And entirely from my own experience. Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling. It’s a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.”
“I think [dementors] are the scariest things I’ve written.”–J.K. Rowling (quote from http://hpcompanion.com/pa/pa5/)

Life is full of ups and downs for everyone - that's part of life. However, there are times in life when one does lose all hope and if you were drowning - you don't know if you'd bother kicking your legs to reach the top again. Over the past few years, life has been, how shall I say this? Not quite the happy world it once was. Depression in a serious issue and I think a lot of creative people suffer from it. Sometimes it gets so hard to fight that you don't know which way will bring you back to the light at the surface.

As I mentioned earlier, the past few years have been exceedingly rough. My own personal battle with dementors started in 2001, but has been near constant since 2008. There has been job, possession, home and friend loss. The loss of physical things I think I could have handled better had it not been for something else - the loss of self respect and basic human dignity. You see, when we lost our home to foreclosure (brought about by the job loss), we had to stay with relatives. I'd read, before all this happened, that sometimes, being taken in by family in such a situation, had worse repercussions than those who stayed with friends or even in homeless shelters. At that time, it never occured to me how such a thing could be possible.

I hope you never know the feeling of being a bother, of being humiliated by your mere existence. I hope you never know how it feels to know you're not wanted and in the way. I hope you never want to disappear, just so you won't have to wake up to see the condescending looks and hear the whispers of your failure repeated daily. I hope you are never pushed into a corner and kept there by fear. Fear of losing the little you have left.

Things in life have improved. We're in another state where we're renting a home. However, the depression is still there and I have the feeling it always will be. It's something I fight on a daily basis. I can feel when a bad funk is coming on. It's physically hard to smile. Things that once made you laugh you find irritating. There's nothing between you and the dark, stormy abyss.

This has been my own experience and I hope that if you suffer from depression you get the help that's best for you. I'm not sure why I felt the need to talk about this today. I usually try to keep the posts fun and a bit quirky or offbeat, but here it is. Love you all and wish you the best!