I think I'm losing my mind. The days are flying past and I can't seem to get my head out of this constant fog. I'm writing this beautiful story. I love it, yet I keep staring at it, tweaking words here and there, but not able to commit to the vision I see for it in my head. I know this story, front to back, top to bottom. And yet, every word is an absolute chore.
I've stopped talking to a lot of my writer friends. Not in a mean way, I still love them and would do anything for them, I'm just at a point where I don't need any negativity. Why then would I step away from the writing community? Because for as much they want you to succeed, there's always a bit of competition. If I say I find something difficult, another person will say they find it easy, as though I'm just not good enough. If I say I want to write something a certain way, they question my judgment and make me doubt my abilities. It shouldn't be that easy to make me doubt, but it is. If I'm having a rough day, then they've had a worse one. Commiseration isn't there, only competition. I'm not trying to "one up" anyone and am weary of those who do. So, I've withdrawn to perhaps two or three people whom I talk to on a somewhat regular basis.
Today is the day where we find out what changes life has in store. I'm so tired of being afraid. I'm so tired of worrying. Just tired. If I sleep, my dreams wear me out and I'm more tired the next day. Home is such a security. I never knew how much of one until that security was taken away. I don't know if I'll ever feel secure again.
I'll tell you a secret. Once you become a homeless person, you're not part of society anymore. You become invisible. People look through you and you let them, because you're not worth anything. That's their perception of you. It's an odd place to be, apart from society. I know that we had it better than a lot of other families, but it changed me. I still feel like I'm not good enough to have earned my place back in regular society. I don't know if I ever will feel part of it again.
I'll end this long post now. Sorry it's not very interesting. I've started about eight posts on this blog since the last one. I'm just going through the motions of getting through each day. Peace and love to you.